"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
