I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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