i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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