i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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