I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
