Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
why do cheetos always look like penises
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need water and some morals
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
