Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
