the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
