I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
