Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
