I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
