I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Randomize
