We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
