I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
