jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
