I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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