why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so let's talk penis.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
