I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
