yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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