Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
