What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well I just put wine in my tea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
