I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
