me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
