Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
