I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
