Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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