So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
