will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
