i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
