what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
