theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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