It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
