What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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