C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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