She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
