you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
