Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
