I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
