Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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