when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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