she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
