very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This is classic penis vs brain.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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