you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My vagina just recognized that song.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
