i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
