Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
