My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
