I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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