when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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