she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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