did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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